Well, yesterday after being accepted, I started to reconsider what I had said before. Maybe it would be good to be in the honors program! I guess I didn’t really think I would be accepted, so it was easy to say I just didn’t want to do it. After talking to my parents yesterday, I decided to accept my invitation to join the honors program. I’m going to be an honors student at the University of Michigan! So excited. *dance*

One reason I’m really excited about college is that I will get to live away from home for the majority of each school year, save holidays. Even then, I don’t have to come home if I don’t want.

I’m really excited to get out of this stressful environment. My family has been going through a lot of tough things this past year or more, and it seems like everyone is always so stressed. When my mom is stressed, she snaps at my brother and me, and when I get snapped at, I retaliate. It doesn’t lead to a very pleasant situation.

The tip of the iceberg is my parents’ divorce. Yes, that’s the tip. There are deeply-rooted issues that I won’t discuss.

Anyway, my parents’ divorce. The tip. There’s a song that I really love by the band REO Speedwagon called Time For Me to Fly. I decided to learn it on guitar. Unfortunately, that is also the song that my dad feels exemplifies his current situation with my mom. It doesn’t, but that’s besides the point. Kind of ruins the song for me, but I do still love it.

I love to practice the song on guitar, especially since I’m only just learning to play, and this is the first song I have tried to learn properly. There was one over the summer, but I rushed through it and didn’t put in enough effort for it to sound good, or even remotely correct for that matter.

When I play the song, I like to sing it too, of course. This morning when I picked up the guitar to practice, my dad was asleep in the basement, so I sang at the top of my lungs. He wouldn’t hear me. Well, when I stopped after playing the song through once, I heard my dad in the shower. Once I realized he was awake, I couldn’t sing loudly at all. I do get a little embarrassed when I realize someone in my family can hear me sing (I have no problem with others hearing me, oddly enough), but this was different. I was physically unable to sing out when I thought there was even the slightest chance my dad would hear me singing the song. I figured he wouldn’t recognize it without the lyrics, so I didn’t mind playing it, but singing was a problem.

It was like my lungs or throat or something physically constricted and would not allow me to sing how I wanted. I was petrified of my dad hearing me sing the song. How stupid. How effing irrational. Can you even understand where I’m coming from here?

When my dad finally got out of the shower, I went and took a shower of my own in my bathroom to avoid talking to him. I was afraid he would make a comment about my playing, and then I would just connect it to the song and get even more irrationally freaked.

Well, he did end up talking to me about something I needed to mail before leaving the house, but at least he didn’t make a comment about my playing. Wow, I’m messed up.

I just feel like blogging tonight. I want to reflect a bit. I won’t return comments or anything. At least, I don’t think I will. Sorry.

Today (or… yesterday now), I got rejected from my first-choice school, Yale. The only school I have been accepted to (I didn’t bother applying to many–I don’t regret that either) is one that I don’t really want to attend. I think it’s mostly because I want to go to school out of state, and also because so many people I know will be going there. I want it to be a completely different experience from high school, if that makes sense.

Well, I’m most likely going to have to attend that school: the University of Michigan. It’s a good school, don’t get me wrong. I just don’t want to go there. I’m trying to change my mind, trying to force myself to like it. My mom said she’ll drive me there on Saturday, and my friend who goes there offered to take me around campus. I’m also considering shadowing another friend of mine there on a day when she has class. I have been wait-listed at another school, and there is still the possibility that I will be admitted there, but I’m not going to get my hopes up.

I’ve also been toying with the idea of applying to schools in Australia. I think it would be so cool to go to school in another country. I know a girl who graduated from my school in 2009 and just started at a university in Sydney. It can be done. I probably won’t end up bothering to apply, however.

It feels like I have spent most of today crying, but I know that’s not true. Probably only like an hour or two total, spread out over a long period. For some reason, I feel like I have lost my sense of purpose. I guess it’s because I’ve been trying and hoping for so long to get into Yale. That had been my life, or at least in the back of my mind, for the past six or seven months. Now that it’s gone, I really don’t want to go to the school I could go to, and I feel so lost! I ask myself… why? What’s the point?

I finally managed to distract myself tonight. When I finally decided I was ready to go to sleep, I went to get some juice first. While I was drinking, I thought of something encouraging. I thought: there are people who love me, there are people who care about me enough to want to make me feel better, and there are people who were hoping along with me in anticipation of the Yale decision. I’m a lucky person.

The thought might not give me purpose, but it surely gives me courage. Even if I don’t know what I’m going to do even in the near future, I know that everything will be okay, because there are people who care about me and who will support me every step of the way. I’d like to think so, anyway. I’m not happy, but I think I can do this. I CAN.

I said I won’t return comments, but I would still be really grateful if you wanted to leave one. Who knows, anyway? I do have a week off now.

Because of this, there are at least a few things about current slang that bother me. What gets me the most right now is the use of the word “legit”. Legit is an abbreviation of the word “legitimate” or “legitimately”, and when used correctly, I really don’t mind it. For example, “I legit failed my test” is perfectly fine. You legitimately failed your test, which is grammatically correct, as well as logical.

However, some people use “legit” in the weirdest ways. One day at lunch when my friend Jenny was talking about her parents, she said “my parents are so legit”. Okay…? So your parents are legitimate. I would hope so. I would hope they are legitimately your parents, and it would be nice if they weren’t illegitimate bastard children either. What she meant to say was something along the lines of that her parents are cool. What the heck?

As you probably know, she’s not the only one. So many people use “legit” in that way. It’s really strange to me. I don’t know how people can think that the use of that word in that context actually makes SENSE. It doesn’t. Go ahead and look it up if you’re doubtful.

On that note, I don’t understand the phrases “hot mess” or “hot damn” either. I don’t have anything against them grammatically, or really at all, but I just don’t understand them. What qualifies a “hot” mess? What’s the difference between saying “you’re a mess” and “you’re a hot mess”? If someone could help me out here, that would be great. The same goes for “hot damn”. Is there some sort of distinction between when “hot damn” is a correct exclamation in place of “damn”, and when it is not? O.o Help me out here.

Speaking of helping out, I have to get up early tomorrow morning to help at the Purim carnival at my temple. It’s early for a Sunday anyway; I have to be there at 8:00am and stay until it ends at around 3:00pm. That’s ten minutes longer than one of my school days, which go from 7:45am to 2:35pm.

What makes me angry about that is that I’m the one who volunteered. The carnival is run entirely by volunteers, and people offer their time to help make it a success. I don’t think the people in charge of the carnival should really be telling the volunteers that they “have to be there from eight to three”. They should be asking the volunteers when they are available, perhaps suggesting times during which they need the most help. Instead, this is what they said: “If you’re volunteering, you have to be there for both shifts, unless you have a conflict. If you have a conflict, you need to be there for at least one shift, and you have to let us know.” That just seems wrong to me. I’m glad to help out, but I’d like not to be told when I “must” be there as if it’s a paid job or something. If I didn’t need community service hours for NHS, I would make up some excuse so I would only have to work one shift. Actually, I wouldn’t have even volunteered at all.

At least I get a free t-shirt for helping.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m actually glad that it did. I wanted my junior year (last year) to pass as slowly as possible, because most of my friends were graduating at the end of that year, but now that it’s my last year and so many of my friends are gone, I just can’t wait for it to be over.

It just hit me yesterday that I need to start thinking about things like prom and graduation. My mom made a hair appointment for me on 21 March, which is fine because I usually just get hair cuts when I feel like it, and I don’t get them often. My last one was probably back in November or December. However, I realized that a little under five weeks after that hair appointment is prom. I think prom is on 27 April. That means I’ll probably have to get another haircut just before prom, and another again in a month for graduation. Suddenly I have to plan my haircuts around these events, and it makes them seem so near. I guess they are; it’s surreal.

Due to this, I’ve suddenly begun to worry about finding a dress for prom. Right now, I really can’t be bothered to look for a prom dress, and I definitely can’t be bothered to pay for one! I am accustomed to going through life by taking one thing at a time and not really planning ahead. I know I can’t wait ’til the last minute to get a prom dress though, or they will all be picked over. I’m just not mentally ready to start looking yet.

When I think about that, it makes me not really want to go to prom. I think as a senior I’m expected to go, but I’m not sure if I want to live up to that expectation. It’s just another dance. It’s a more expensive, fancier dance, but it’s just another dance. I don’t even like dances that much, and why should I pay somewhere around $100 for a dress that I will only wear once? It’s not like it’s a wedding dress. I would go all out for something like that. It’s only prom.

I just looked up prom on Wikipedia, and the page reminded me of corsages. That’s another thing about prom, the girls are expected to give their dates boutonnieres to wear on their lapels, and in return they receive corsages. Why? The guys take off their jackets once they go into the dance hall anyway, and I personally really dislike corsages. I don’t understand the concept of wearing a flower on your wrist. I’ve worn corsages before in other, non-dance environments, and I find them extremely uncomfortable, not to mention unwieldy. Why am I expected to wear a corsage? Why am I expected to even GO TO PROM? Why is there such social stigma surrounding it?

For some reason, it actually brings me near tears thinking about it all. Maybe it’s the fact that high school is coming to an end, but I think it’s just prom. As of tonight, I don’t want to go.

Today in my dad’s car on the way to school, we were listening to an REO Speedwagon album and one of the songs that came on said something about lying. My dad started talking about lying and said some stuff that I either zoned out or just can’t remember.

I used to lie a lot when I was younger. When I was home-schooled in sixth and seventh grade, my mom would drop me off at home around noon after I finished figure skating before she left for work for the afternoon. At that point, I was expected to work on my schoolwork after I ate lunch. Instead, I would watch TV until about 2:45pm. Then I would start my work just so it would look like I had been working when my mom got home at three. There wasn’t even anything good on TV; I would just watch preschool shows all afternoon.

I would usually finish my work around five or six anyway, but I would always tell my mom that I had started right after she left. I would also lie to her about what work I had completed and what I hadn’t. On a few occasions I ended up hiding away in my room to finish some history questions while my mom was preparing my work to be mailed out. I think she knew about that, but she didn’t care as long as I got it done.

I did a ridiculous amount of lying back then. I got so used to it that it was like a daily routine to me and it didn’t phase my conscience one bit. I rarely ever lie now, except for the little white lie here and there, and I feel bad telling them. I don’t know what brought about this change, but I know I’m a better person because of it. It actually feels great to know that I am a much more honest person now than I used to be. I wish everyone were more honest. Honesty is one of the qualities I have come to value most in a person.

As much as I used to lie when I was younger, I never lied about my existence. I understand people using aliases online for privacy issues or whatever. That makes sense to me. Today though I found out about a girl online who I have reason to believe is masquerading as a completely different person, rather than simply using an alias. She seems to be pretending to be not only herself but another girl as well. I may be completely wrong, but with what I know at the moment I strongly suspect that is the case. Perhaps you will join me in asking, “what the heck?”

This may not be true for everyone, but I know that many people who blog do it at least on some subconscious level to make friends. I have mentioned in previous blogs that I love how blogging has connected me with so many people worldwide. Well I think we can all agree that friendship, at least the strongly bonded variety, is based heavily on trust. How can we trust each other if we lie to each other? If this girl is truly lying about who she is, she will never be able to make any true friends through her website. Even if her online friends never find out about her lies, they will still not be her true friends because they will not know who she truly is.

Creating a new name for yourself online is infinitely different from creating an entirely new persona.

For me, 2009 had an undertone of negativity about it, but there were definitely many high points. As much as I would like to remember the good things that happened this year, there is a lot that I want to leave in the past. As I move forward into 2010, I hope to see a lot of things improve, both at home and at school. I’m not going to make any resolutions this year because I never keep them, but I am going to strive to make 2010 a better year both for myself and for those around me.

One step that I have already made toward a better year is that yesterday I deleted Lucy, my former best friend, from my buddy list. Every time I opened the window to see who was online, I would see her name and I would get all these angry feelings. I decided that wasn’t healthy (and kind of annoying really!), so I deleted her. We haven’t talked online in a long time anyway.

Don’t ask what happened between us. I hardly even know. Long story short, she seemed to drift, ignored me a lot, I got hurt, I did and said some stuff, gossip was spread back and forth by a mutual friend, she refused to talk to me about it like a normal person would, we finally “talked” about it, and over the course of it all we stopped being friends.

I know I’m better off without her, as others have told me as well. She’s a selfish person. I’m not just saying that out of spite; she really is. She didn’t treat me that well either, and I guess now that her old friends who deserted her before will take her back, she’s done with me. Whatever. Thinking about it just makes me angry. I’m not even sad about it anymore. Well, maybe just a little.

Either way, I shouldn’t dwell on the past. I have great friends now, both on and offline. I know who my true friends are, and I know that Lucy is not one of them. Kavya asked me to see a movie with a group of people from school toward the beginning of the holidays. I couldn’t go, but the fact that she invited me made me really happy. I am forever grateful to have Jimmy in my life, and I wouldn’t trade him for the world. Quantity isn’t important when it comes to friends; it’s the quality that matters.

I can move on from this whole affair. I will do my best to leave it behind as I step into 2010 with a more optimistic outlook. My year will start out well, because I will be starting it with Jimmy.

I finished my first review last night. You can read it if you’d like. I’m proud.

Yesterday I had my first encounter with skinny jeans. Of course it wasn’t the first time I had seen them, but it was the first, last, and only time I will ever wear them. I just did not find it pleasant.

I think flare jeans started to become really popular when I was in second or third grade. I didn’t mind when other people wore them, but I refused to try them myself. When my mom took me shopping for jeans, it was always so difficult because we had to scour the store for the one pair of straight leg jeans in the whole place. Half the time we couldn’t even find any straight leg jeans and we’d have to go to a new store. I had to have my normal jeans.

Finally in sixth grade I tried on a pair of flare jeans when I was out with my friends at the mall. To my surprise, I actually liked them. Jeans shopping became a whole lot easier after that.

Well, I went shopping for jeans yesterday after my favorite pair finally tore… in the crotch no less. I have always refused to wear skinny jeans, because I just don’t like them. I don’t really mind them on other people. I do have a rant about how they’re annoyingly trendy, but that’s another story.

The point is that I just don’t wear skinny jeans. I have never taken any interest in them. Yesterday when I went shopping, the first jeans I found were skinny, to my dismay. I hadn’t bought jeans in a couple years, so I worried that skinny jeans had taken over. Thankfully, I found a bunch of different boot cut (which is apparently the new word for “flare”) jeans. After finding a few in my size to try, I decided to do something daring and take a pair of skinny jeans to try on. I thought maybe, just maybe, it might be similar to my flare jeans experience, where I might just actually like them.

Boy was I wrong. I was curious as I pulled them up, but once I was fully in them it was like BAM. TURN ON THE DISCOMFORT. I don’t know why, but I just felt horribly gross in them. The narrow ankles made my hips look five miles wide, or at least so I thought. My mom actually thought they looked good on me. WHATEVER. I felt like a fucking potato. Disgusting. Even when I put my boots on to cover the ankles, I just felt incredibly uncomfortable. I never want to wear skinny jeans again. EVER.

Thankfully they haven’t taken over the stores just yet.

I finally jumped on the conformist bandwagon and made a DailyBooth account. Follow me? It’s strangely addicting; I like it.

I also opened a reviews section. I’ve gotten a few applications, which I’m really excited about. I’m told I’ll come to hate seeing them in my inbox, but right now I’m excited to start reviewing. *dances*

I can’t wait to go off to university and get away from my family. Living with them is just so ridiculously stressful. There is always yelling, accusation, and blame being thrown about. Today I was attacked for “monopolizing” our house’s internet. Apparently when I turn on my computer it kicks my brother off our network, so he can’t play his precious Call of Duty multiplayer online game. I hadn’t even been awake fifteen minutes when I got yelled at for that today. Okay, maybe turning on my computer really does kick him off, but aside from not using my computer, that’s not something I can help!

I’ll spare you the rest of my rant.

On the topic of university, Single Choice Early Action decisions were posted on Yale’s website about a week and a half ago. I was deferred, which means a final decision on my application will not be available until April 2010. At least I still have a chance! I also got called about a Duke University interview, but I keep forgetting to call the lady back. I’ll call her tomorrow.

I really really hope I get into either Yale or Duke. I don’t want to have to attend the University of Michigan. It’s a good school, but I’d rather leave the state, just because I don’t like Michigan that much. Besides, on days like this I would love not to be close to home.

It really bothers me how short this blog is.

I already work one job as an assistant teacher at my temple’s religious school three days a week, but I really want to find another job on top of it that I can take on as a supplement. I think it would be really fun to get some sort of web design job, so I have been working on creating a design portfolio to show potential employers. I’m really anxious to unveil it, so although it is still a work in progress, I would love to show it to you and get your opinions on it. You can visit it at rachelleggett.com.

I keep typing it as “rachelleggett.rachel” because my email is leggett.rachel, so my fingers are used to typing “rachel” after “leggett.”

Another thing I really want to do is to go back to ballet. I danced ballet for nearly eleven years, and although I never did pointe and was not entirely serious about it toward the end (in the end I only did ballet to help with my figure skating), I miss it! Ballet is such a beautiful form of dance, and I love dancing it.

My mom is entirely supportive of me going back to ballet, as long as I pay for it myself. She did say she may be able to help out if I can’t afford it and it doesn’t cost too much, but we’ll see. My biggest problem now is that I can’t afford to dance where I really want to. I want to take private lessons at the rink where I used to skate, since it’s a familiar environment and I won’t have to do recitals, which cost more money. That’s all fine and dandy, except it would cost me about $30 USD a week to dance once a week, so it would cost $120 for a month, and I only make about $130-150 in a month (depending on the month) at my current job. You do the math.

Going back to ballet isn’t looking too promising for me; the situation almost made me cry before. NO. It will all work out, one way or another.

I made some ballet icons today from some stock photos I found on sxc.hu and from an image from Art.com. I’m not sure if the latter is as “legal” to use as it should be, but I figure as long as I don’t redistribute it as my own it’s alright.

I haven’t made icons in ages.

Thank you to everyone who wished me good luck on my Yale alumni interview. I think it went rather well; the lady was nice and we got along well.

Today was Black Friday. For those of you who don’t know, Black Friday is the day after Thanksgiving in the US and it is considered to be the first official shopping day for the holidays here. Stores put out ads advertising huge sales, and everyone (well, many people) crowd the stores ridiculously early to get the best deals.

In the last three or four years, I have gone Black Friday shopping early in the morning twice and I absolutely loved the atmosphere both times. Because of that, I decided to go shopping this morning with Jimmy, even though I did not actually need anything.

I was supposed to wake up at 4am so that my mom and I could get to Target before she had to go to work, but we both overslept and ended up waking up a bit after five. Oh well.

This morning, I ended up only going to Target and Walmart with Jimmy. Target was a breeze and we were out of there really quickly, but then there was Walmart.

At Walmart, we stood in line for over and hour and a half. The line management was terrible there! The line we were in was merging into a line with THREE other lines. Why they didn’t tell people to stand in other, existing lines is beyond me. It took us probably an hour to get up to within three people in our line of the register, but of course there were three other lines going to the same one, and for some reason they kept getting priority. We stood there, almost at the cashier, for at least a half hour. All this for two DVDs (for me) and an optical mouse (for Jimmy)!

On the bright side, I did get some DVDs that I really wanted. I got all three Underworld DVDs for only $13. The first two cost me two dollars each, and the third was $8.99, since it only just came out this year. All in all, it was worth it.