I’m not back. This site has been mentally closed for a long time now, I just haven’t gotten around to officially deciding what to do about it, so I haven’t posted a notification or anything.

I just feel like blogging tonight. I want to reflect a bit. I won’t return comments or anything. At least, I don’t think I will. Sorry.

Today (or… yesterday now), I got rejected from my first-choice school, Yale. The only school I have been accepted to (I didn’t bother applying to many–I don’t regret that either) is one that I don’t really want to attend. I think it’s mostly because I want to go to school out of state, and also because so many people I know will be going there. I want it to be a completely different experience from high school, if that makes sense.

Well, I’m most likely going to have to attend that school: the University of Michigan. It’s a good school, don’t get me wrong. I just don’t want to go there. I’m trying to change my mind, trying to force myself to like it. My mom said she’ll drive me there on Saturday, and my friend who goes there offered to take me around campus. I’m also considering shadowing another friend of mine there on a day when she has class. I have been wait-listed at another school, and there is still the possibility that I will be admitted there, but I’m not going to get my hopes up.

I’ve also been toying with the idea of applying to schools in Australia. I think it would be so cool to go to school in another country. I know a girl who graduated from my school in 2009 and just started at a university in Sydney. It can be done. I probably won’t end up bothering to apply, however.

It feels like I have spent most of today crying, but I know that’s not true. Probably only like an hour or two total, spread out over a long period. For some reason, I feel like I have lost my sense of purpose. I guess it’s because I’ve been trying and hoping for so long to get into Yale. That had been my life, or at least in the back of my mind, for the past six or seven months. Now that it’s gone, I really don’t want to go to the school I could go to, and I feel so lost! I ask myself… why? What’s the point?

I finally managed to distract myself tonight. When I finally decided I was ready to go to sleep, I went to get some juice first. While I was drinking, I thought of something encouraging. I thought: there are people who love me, there are people who care about me enough to want to make me feel better, and there are people who were hoping along with me in anticipation of the Yale decision. I’m a lucky person.

The thought might not give me purpose, but it surely gives me courage. Even if I don’t know what I’m going to do even in the near future, I know that everything will be okay, because there are people who care about me and who will support me every step of the way. I’d like to think so, anyway. I’m not happy, but I think I can do this. I CAN.

I said I won’t return comments, but I would still be really grateful if you wanted to leave one. Who knows, anyway? I do have a week off now.